Today’s poem is inspired by a comment a friend made on my recent Facebook status about how I had to get my wedding ring re-sized. It has been loose for a few months and was really loose this past week. My friend congratulated me on the loose ring (a.k.a. lost weight). I have complicated feelings about this weight loss and attempted to work through them in this poem. I am not upset at my friend. It’s an innocent sort of comment that many people make, not knowing perhaps the scope of what the subject is going through and not knowing whether “congratulations” is expected or desired by the subject.
on the fat that just walked away
from your finger
where the ring wiggles and slips,
lost and found, some sideways commentary
I burrow in thought: what can I say?
I don’t deserve
praise for this step― it is a step―
to a door where I’ve been before,
a step to desperate knocking.
Please, Goddess, let me in!
This loss of fat cells
swimming down the drain of carb denial,
when I hate weight loss diets on principle,
is not the goal.
Your well-meant words a weight
remembering the fat girl
picked last horrible
at sports (and they had me convinced
for years all that mattered was being good)
a weight of how denigrating infertility is,
despite past losses and success
despite years of self-restriction
loss of self
counting days reading thermometers watching clocks
drinking herbal potions chanting moons
despite so many tears shed and unshed,
snakes rippling in ponds searching for goddess hands
a weight of society’s Should Be,
because I am not and why
should I be?
(Being hot and heavy available
is no good reason.)
a weight of how long must I wait
for okay to by-pass fine to fantastic?
I am not what I lose alone,
I know you know,
and I ask you not to say.
© 2014 by Robin A. Sams